Confessions of a college graduate
So I’m bored with life and have to decided to occupy my time with writing until I get a job. Here is my attempt at writing thus far. Hope it entertains and informs!
Chapter 1 Miss-guided
Have you ever had that feeling that you were on the brink of a revelation? Oh you know, that feeling that at any moment you were about to birth a revelation that would lead you straight into your destiny. Yes I am sitting here waiting for that to happen. Guess what? It most assuredly hasn’t happened because I’m still here sitting on my parent’s couch at the ripe old age of 25 waiting for revelation to strike. There are certain things that no one tells you, or maybe they do tell you and you’re not listening because you assume that like most things in school, you can always text someone later for the answer. I never knew how difficult it would be after college to get a job…a decent job. Now, when I say a decent job I mean one that pays around $33,000 a year. You might be thinking that that’s a fairly pretentious sum of money for someone who just graduated college. Is it though? With the average cost of an apartment room in southern California ranging anywhere from $500-900 a month, one’s definite credit card bill, phone bill, utilities, food, clothes, car insurance, car repairs, paying for your coffee slave ::cough:: I mean boyfriend and dare I say fun money. It’s damn expensive living in Southern California, especially when you can’t get a job.
Here’s the second thing that no one ever told me and for this one I want you to come in real close so you can hear me. Just kidding, I put in my ear trumpet earlier and I talk louder than a New Yorker ordering their cawfee. Now where did I put that…oh yes here it is: REAL LIFE IS A HELL OF A LOT HARDER THAN COLLEGE. In college there is a system that one can follow to relatively assure themselves that they will get through a course successfully. On the first day of class the teacher hands out a syllabus giving you the exact freaking guideline of what your lazy ass needs to do in order to pass this boring as heck class. For the next 10-16 weeks (depending on the nature of the class) you then sit through a series of power point slides, take the occasional note, while wiping the drool off of your lip and attempting to stay awake with your preferred beverage of choice. During the course of this class, there is typically some sort of project or research paper you have to write. If you are part of the unlucky few that have elected to take a course that requires a group project….sucks to be you because there’s no way to figure out whether or not your project will suck unless you take the helm. Halfway through the course you have a midterm to assess whether or not your lazy ass should actually attempt to study. At the last week of school (or thereabouts) you have a final examination to pass for which you spend only the last 48 hours studying for. At any point during the class (if you’re smart) you’ll befriend one of those people who has their shiznizzle together and knows the answer to when the paper is due and everything else. From what I’ve gathered from my years at college is that there is a certain routineness that can be to ensure one’s survival-a schema if you will. In real life, your employers are not your teachers. You don’t have to go to school, but I’d venture to say that you have to go to work to pay for your candy crush or extreme sports addiction. In real life, it’s up to you to make your dreams happen. Boss’s aren’t always as nice as your teachers or vice versa.
Chapter 2: Job hunting
College kinda sorta somewhat prepared me for job hunting and going on interviews. Let me just state outright that job hunting sucks on no uncertain terms. Since I’ve been unemployed I’ve been on 8 interviews. Let me tell you the questions that I hate the most and why. 1) What are your weaknesses? Do these people think I’m dumb enough to self-sabotage and or throw myself voluntarily under the bus? I typically give the following answer: as a former student of psychology I adhere to the discipline of positive psychology and only focus on my strengths. This is my nice way of saying I will play your game with my own game. Haha. 2) Why should we hire you? Uh, I’m rad and I always smell good. Jk I’ve only seen this question as one that could possibly be asked. 3) What would your last boss say that you needed to improve on? Uh everything but I’m not telling you that. 4) Can you multitask? I usually change the stations in my car every 4 seconds, drive with one hand and drink something with the other one.